@OBiiieeee: Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we're gonna go pro.
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@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
@themorris23: And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no "non creepy" way to ask where the Vaseline is.
@TitansHomer: My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"