Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
this is the news I live for
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today