@drewjanda: Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it's not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
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@misfarber: [fraud trial] Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake? Defendant: no-- they all actually exist Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
@causticbob: The kidnapper rang and said "£10,000 and you get your wife back" "Negotiate with him!" advised the policeman "£20,000 and she's all yours"
@ArfMeasures: Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers? FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
@SassyTxGirl83: Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard..... Pillow fight