Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary