son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die