Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.