Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You Might Also Like
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?