Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Can. I. Help. You.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us