[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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That lamp looks PISSED.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band