[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Spotted in New Orleans.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”