[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
O Wise One….
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.