Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*bites zombie*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Perfect
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.