Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m listening
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot