Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I know this now 😂
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.