Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.