Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
This is always good for a laugh.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”