Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Nothing.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
do horses think humans are hats
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.