@Beatonm5: Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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@UncleDuke1969: *kneels to pray* “Hello, God?” “YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.” “Who is this?” “MY NAME IS BRAD.” “Are you in Heaven, Brad?” “NO, INDIA.”
@NinjaSweatpants: Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
@thenatewolf: The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. "I got that when I fell off the toilet," I whisper.