@Beatonm5: Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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@Reverend_Scott: COP: Know why I stopped you? MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh? COP: You're using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
@maughammom: My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.
@davedittell: well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America
@ArfMeasures: [Sexting] HER: Tell me what you want ME: A sequel to Ratatouille HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille