Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
You Might Also Like
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese