SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
She: I like Cats
He:
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.