SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Raisins are grape jerky.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I cannot stop laughing at this
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Boating season is upon us.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.