Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”