Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
i prefer mine room temperature.