Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.