@SortaBad: "Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"
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@NicestHippo: [girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
@JennyJohnsonHi5: As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?
@KKAlThani: Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?