@SortaBad: "Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"
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@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
@patrickhogan91: *Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest* "Oh, you meant... you meant it like... ugh. Well that was a waste of time"
@craiguito: My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn't realise he planned to be that person
@YoungNobler: Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.