@SortaBad: "Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"
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@1Happytwit: Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
@thatdutchperson: [11am] Me: oh look, it's sunny out. Me: I should go running. Me: or swimming! Me: these Doritos are delicious.
@Sickayduh: MOM: You give that back to him, mister ME: Ok mom MOM: and what do we say now? ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl