@SortaBad: "Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"
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@LnL245: I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
@jakob_huber: *meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: It's time for a vacation. Me: Where do YOU want to go? Wife: Hmm... Maybe the Bahamas? Me: Great idea! And, I'LL go camping upstate!