You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Happy thanksgiving
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
john wicks are toilet candles
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!