“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?