@KenJennings: "Sooth. Sooth! SOOOTH!!!" --soothsayers
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@sageboggs: Worst flight I've ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I'm never flying Airbnb again
@barryjohnharper: I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought 'I've literally just sat down."
@WheelTod: [In Club] *slides up to girl on dance floor "This is my jam" *hands her a jar "I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more..."
@batkaren: HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!