“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
2 years later