@online_rat: sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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@NewDadNotes: Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price. Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property. Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront. Aquaman: but- Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
@clindsaysway: Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
@ShaunRightNow: Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
@Underchilde: The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.