This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
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Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.