wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.