[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken