Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm