What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let鈥檚 back up for a second
ME: what鈥檚 wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Just once I鈥檇 like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I鈥檓 eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
life is a highway and I鈥檓 afraid to merge
Didn鈥檛 realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 馃檨
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn鈥檛 eat sushi.
I鈥檓 the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you鈥檙e looking to be written out of their will.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
as is their right