[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters