Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol