Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
You Might Also Like
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Every time my phone rings
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
never deleting this app.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.