Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800