Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“How’s your day going?”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun