“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
You Might Also Like
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge