“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.