Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.