Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door