Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?