Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
dude it’s called proctologist
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you