I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
That earthquake could have been an email.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it