@tiffinysawyers: Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
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@ImKevinito: Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he's homeless.
@Molly_Kats: WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
@pinningnut: "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches"