Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
plums roundup
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down