@LoveNLunchmeat: "Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today." My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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@gonzohostility: Said she was gonna send a pic of her "backyard' . Turns out we weren't on the same page
@AimeeHelene1: I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
@SpacePlankton: Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He's not gay anymore. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. He totally threw up.
@markleggett: The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.