“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that