Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Print is alive and well!!!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Teach your children to beatbox
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.