Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people