@JennyJohnsonHi5: Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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@AsphaltFarmboy: My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "WTF man, it's 2015. You can use whatever printer you want."
@david8hughes: On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn't feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
@ComedicBust: *On my Deathbed* Me: Tell Tac.. *cough* Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..